Sitting with several frequent traveler friends over the holiday weekend, we discovered a common distaste for one oft-ignored fact of air travel: absurd language. No, we’re not talking about the gurgling tot in the adjacent seat who refers to the aircraft as an ay-bane. And we’re not talking about the pilot’s unintelligible remarks crackling over the in-flight speaker system. We’re talking about the sort of stuff only dorks, writers, English teachers, intellectual snobs and truly bored travelers facing delays have time to ponder. After much discussion, here are the three of the absurd phrases that bug us the most:

Pre-boarding

When you’ll hear it: While you’re sitting in the boarding area. Many airlines use this phrase to distinguish the boarding period reserved for first class passengers and “those who need additional assistance” from the boarding time period enjoyed by the rest of us.

The problem: As my friend Jon C. points out, given the current space-time continuum in which we live, one is either in a state of boarding a plane or not in a state of boarding plane. There is, technically speaking of course, no way to engage in the act of pre-boarding anything.

The solution: priority boarding.

Unknown person or persons

When you’ll hear it: All over the friggin’ airport. As in, “do not accept packages from unknown persons.”

The problem: The entire concept of an unknown person is absurd and smacks of existential crisis. Every single person on the earth is known by someone, somewhere. Unless of course you were born to an unconscious mother who was stranded on a deserted island and subsequently died leaving you to fend for yourself for the rest of your days. But then, if that were the case, you wouldn’t be in the airport.

The solution: I suggest striking the entire sentence surrounding this absurd phrase. If you need to be told not to take something from a total stranger, put it into your luggage and board an airplane, then you’re an idiot. ‘Nuff said.

Extremely full flight

When you’ll hear it: Before and during the boarding process, especially during holiday travel weeks and other peak travel times.

The problem: Just as the act of pre-boarding is a physical impossibility, so is the existence an extremely full flight. Due to its finite number of seats and the inflexible nature of an aircraft’s shell, no flight can experience degrees of fullness. We are, after all, not traveling in airborne stomachs. My husband and I argued over whether a flight could be considered extremely full if the majority of its passengers happen to be of larger than normal size. But even then, we decided that the phrase is still absurd. After all, in that case, wouldn’t the correct way to describe such a flight be “extremely crowded?”

The solution: Just say the flight is full. There are no seats left. The flight is at capacity. Whatever. Take your pick.

LaGuardia’s New York Airport

When you’ll hear it: From a flight attendant on an American Airlines flight headed from Dallas Fort Worth to New York’s LaGuardia Airport.

The problem: Granted, this one is an isolated case. But it bothers my friend Michelle, who heard it spoken repeatedly (she estimates upwards of six times) while she was a captive passenger on the aforementioned flight. The reason: Neither LaGuardia the airport nor LaGuardia the man can or could lay claim to more than one airport.

The solution: Since this is really a simple case of a misplaced modifier, it should come as no surprise that the solution here is just to say New York’s LaGuardia Airport. LaGuardia should be the word that distinguishes the airport from other New York airports and not the other way around.

We’re not exactly sure why, but at the end of the year, everyone seems to get obsessed with top 10 travel lists. Over the past calendar year, we’ve created a few lists of our own. We’re reprising them one last time before we wipe the slate clean in 2008:

Take These 10 Trips Before you Have Kids

10 Top Hotel Restaurants

10 Reasons to Visit the Mall of America

10 No-Tech Escapes

10 Top Unique Hotels

We like to follow smoking bans as they take effect around the world because they affect travelers in such significant ways. Smokers who are visiting a new city can find themselves navigating rules and regulations that don’t apply where they live, and non-smokers in new cities can find relief or irritation from public smoking depending on the local laws. Yesterday, a page one story in the Wall Street Journal contemplates the new smoking ban in Anchorage, Alaska and what the combination of severe cold and a sudden dearth of smoker-friendly venues will mean for those who want to light up in the nation’s northernmost state.

Smoking Ban Leaves Alaskans Out in the Cold

If you’re a smoker who is traveling, check out TravelPost.com’s Definitive Guide to Airport Smoking Lounges.

Caution: depending where you happen to be driving this holiday season, you could be in for fines for some totally surprising reasons. Learn where you might get a ticket for driving too slowly, leaving your animal in the car alone or neglecting to shut your car door in a timely fashion in the CNN story below:

Do You Know Why I Pulled You Over?

Also, USAirways will honor MAXJet tickets - but the $100 surcharge to fly standby with this airline is more expensive than doing so with Continental (details in previous post).

US Airways to Assist Customers Affected By Suspension of MAXjet Airways Service

Stuck with a ticket from the now-defunct airline MAXJet? Continental Airlines has announced that it will allow MAXJet ticket holders to fly standby through Jan. 6, 2008. They’re tacking on a $50 charge, but at least your ticket won’t go to waste.

Continental Airlines to Accept MAXjet Airways Tickets

Sometimes, the best gifts are the small, cheap and simple ones. Case in point: the rubber water bottle holder with carabiner attachment. One of these little gizmos made its way into my stocking this year, and I’ve got to say that it’s one of my favorite new possessions. Perfect for frequent travelers, the rubber holder attaches to the neck of a plastic bottle and then clips onto the outside of a backpack, handbag, jacket, etc., where it keeps your fluids easily accessible and - now this is crucial - apart from water-averse items that might be living in said backpack, handbag, jacket, etc. It’s also a great option when for travelers hitting the slopes or hiking during warmer months - I’d much rather have my water bottle hooked to the outside of my gear than taking up valuable space inside. Cost: $3.99

To help launch you properly into the New Year, we’re rehashing all the scandalous moments in celebrity travel from the past year. One shining example? The seemingly endless human train wreck that is Courtney Love. As we reported this fall, Love’s behavior in one of London’s finest hotels did not go over well with the Brits in 2007:

The five-star Claridges Hotel in London has reportedly refused Courtney Love as a guest. It’s not a surprising move on the part of the hotel management. The last time Love bunked in at the luxury hotel in London’s Mayfair neighborhood, she started a fire (allegedly from smoking a cigarette) in her $3,000-a-night suite. Worse, Love has a reputation for ruining hotel rooms. Earlier this year, you may recall reports of Love’s raucous birthday celebration at the Covent Garden Hotel, where she wrecked her $1,000-a-night suite. In slightly less shocking news, Love is still really scary looking.

Another one of our favorite celebrity travel tidbits of 2007? Back in October, we reported:

Branson Swan Dives

On Wednesday evening, Sir Richard Branson celebrated Virgin America’s inaugural flights to Las Vegas by free-falling 40 stories – harnessed to a safety wire of course. But during the fall, a gust of wind slapped the daredevil billionaire into the side of the Palms Casino Resort. Branson emerged alive, but not without some scrapes and bruises.

Gee, I can’t imagine any better way to promote your new airline than crashing into solid objects at breakneck speeds.

On the upside, Branson did apparently scatter free Virgin America tickets as he fell, though none have been claimed. So be on the lookout in you’re in Vegas this weekend.

As part of the ongoing Virgin America festivities this week, Branson threw quite a shindig at the Wynn Las Vegas nightclub TRYST, where celebs like newlyweds (ew!) Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon (double ew!), Carmen Elektra and The Hills star Lauren Conrad showed up to take part.

This week, among other things, we’re reprising the best celebrity travel news of 2007. Waaay back in January 2007, we reported the following:

Hey, I thought Diddy could get in anywhere. I guess not. (And I guess Tara Reid shouldn’t feel like the only celeb to get publicly humilated while trying to get into an exclusive party). After the Golden Globe awards in Hollywood, Sean Combs was reportedly barred from entering an after party at the Sunset Tower Hotel. The reason? Party throwers claim they “just didn’t invite him,” while others say the rebuff has to do with the star’s rude behavior towards someone on the party thrower’s staff several years ago. Who knows? And really, who cares?

At the end of the day, things could be a whole lot worse. You could end up getting into a party, then getting rejected by some marginally famous random, then passing out in the hallway of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel like Lindsay Lohan reportedly did on the very same evening.

Even Celebrity Moguls Can’t Get Into Every Party

Did a Broken Heart Send LiLo to Rehab?