Sitting with several frequent traveler friends over the holiday weekend, we discovered a common distaste for one oft-ignored fact of air travel: absurd language. No, we’re not talking about the gurgling tot in the adjacent seat who refers to the aircraft as an ay-bane. And we’re not talking about the pilot’s unintelligible remarks crackling over the in-flight speaker system. We’re talking about the sort of stuff only dorks, writers, English teachers, intellectual snobs and truly bored travelers facing delays have time to ponder. After much discussion, here are the three of the absurd phrases that bug us the most:

Pre-boarding

When you’ll hear it: While you’re sitting in the boarding area. Many airlines use this phrase to distinguish the boarding period reserved for first class passengers and “those who need additional assistance” from the boarding time period enjoyed by the rest of us.

The problem: As my friend Jon C. points out, given the current space-time continuum in which we live, one is either in a state of boarding a plane or not in a state of boarding plane. There is, technically speaking of course, no way to engage in the act of pre-boarding anything.

The solution: priority boarding.

Unknown person or persons

When you’ll hear it: All over the friggin’ airport. As in, “do not accept packages from unknown persons.”

The problem: The entire concept of an unknown person is absurd and smacks of existential crisis. Every single person on the earth is known by someone, somewhere. Unless of course you were born to an unconscious mother who was stranded on a deserted island and subsequently died leaving you to fend for yourself for the rest of your days. But then, if that were the case, you wouldn’t be in the airport.

The solution: I suggest striking the entire sentence surrounding this absurd phrase. If you need to be told not to take something from a total stranger, put it into your luggage and board an airplane, then you’re an idiot. ‘Nuff said.

Extremely full flight

When you’ll hear it: Before and during the boarding process, especially during holiday travel weeks and other peak travel times.

The problem: Just as the act of pre-boarding is a physical impossibility, so is the existence an extremely full flight. Due to its finite number of seats and the inflexible nature of an aircraft’s shell, no flight can experience degrees of fullness. We are, after all, not traveling in airborne stomachs. My husband and I argued over whether a flight could be considered extremely full if the majority of its passengers happen to be of larger than normal size. But even then, we decided that the phrase is still absurd. After all, in that case, wouldn’t the correct way to describe such a flight be “extremely crowded?”

The solution: Just say the flight is full. There are no seats left. The flight is at capacity. Whatever. Take your pick.

LaGuardia’s New York Airport

When you’ll hear it: From a flight attendant on an American Airlines flight headed from Dallas Fort Worth to New York’s LaGuardia Airport.

The problem: Granted, this one is an isolated case. But it bothers my friend Michelle, who heard it spoken repeatedly (she estimates upwards of six times) while she was a captive passenger on the aforementioned flight. The reason: Neither LaGuardia the airport nor LaGuardia the man can or could lay claim to more than one airport.

The solution: Since this is really a simple case of a misplaced modifier, it should come as no surprise that the solution here is just to say New York’s LaGuardia Airport. LaGuardia should be the word that distinguishes the airport from other New York airports and not the other way around.