Yesterday, San Francisco residents had the opportunity to casts their votes on the pressing issue of whether Alcatraz, which attracts nearly 1.5 million visitors annually, should be purchased from the federal government and turned into Global Peace Center by two nebulous organizations known only as The Light Party and the Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance (Break From Past Proposed for Alcatraz).

Okay, I’m half embarrassed, half completely and totally amused that I live in a city where something like this actually gets on the ballot, but nevertheless, we must not hate that which we do not understand. Instead, we must make fun of it.

And I quote from our official voter information pamphlet:

“By converting Alcatraz Island, a place of pain and suffering, into a Global Peace Center, we will activate powerful forces for cooperation, reconciliation and healing. Through this process we will reconsecrate Alcatraz as a sacred site and thus pay due respect to the Native American people, while simultaneously giving birth to a new and peaceful paradigm for all humanity.”

More like a crazy paradigm that will make all humanity point and laugh at us. And what is this “reconsecrate” business? Was it ever consecrated in the first place? By something other than evildoers and bird poop? Last time I checked, the island had evolved from a military outpost to federal prison to protest grounds to an enduring family attraction with the positive side effect of frightening little children away from lives of violent crime. That’s a pretty peaceful paradigm for you right there.

But don’t worry, world. Alcatraz will be just fine. The feds just pumped $3.5 million into it for renovations, an archival museum and an 180-seat theater. And we doubt The Light Party (which is, incidentally, run by a man who goes only by the name Da Vid) has the kind of cash one would need to purchase such a landmass. Of course, there is always the chance that Michael Jackson is involved (sounds like his kind of project for some reason). And if that happened, we might be screwed.